soberdawg

David's Den update

2008-04-04T19:21:43Z

Bobby: got mad this morning and stormed out. He and James had an argument over cleaning the apartment. So now we have an empty bed.

Bill: No drama here. Ray called me this morning to offer him another job, laying carpet. I need to tell him about it when I see him at DAC tonight.

James: Not happy about being the "house man". I suppose that would be "Proctor" to you Sewanee-ites. He now feels it's his job to clean the entire apartment if no one else does their job.

Kenny: His usual ADD hyper self.

Charles: Mother still in the hospital on life support. He and his brother have to decide whether to pull the plug. He's been staying with his family. We haven't heard from him in a couple days. We all fear the worst.

Gino: Still sleeping on the floor in the dining room, but I would guess that he can now move into Bobby's bed.

Me: Start new job on Monday. Got a call from a survey company that I signed up with ages ago to ask if I wanted to do a "beverage survey". They asked me some questions about coffee and soda and signed me up to go to a discussion ("focus group") on the 21st. $75 for one hour isn't too bad.

New job-type thingy

2008-03-10T19:00:59Z

Peace Baptist Church employs two residents of David's Den to do custodial work at the church. In return, they pay the service fees of $100 weekly that we owe to David's Den. From the time that I entered the program until now, these two positions have been filled by Jerry and Pat, both of whom are getting ready to leave the program. Jerry was out of town this past weekend, and asked me to fill in for him, so I went to the church on Tuesday and he showed me the ropes. This not only in order to fill in for him this past weekend, but also by way of training me, since I'm next in line for this position. I performed the job on Thursday. Then, on Saturday, Pat showed me his job (same job, different part of church) which is, I think, the job I'll actually be taking on. Easy work. Tedious, but at least it pays my rent. Now I just have to find a real job so that I can have some cash on hand.

Dreams

2008-02-29T15:37:49Z

In recovery, we tend to have what people call "using dreams", which are exactly what the name implies. They've changed over the months since I've been in the program. They started out as dreams about me trying to sneak alcohol into my apartment. Then they evolved into me accidentally taking a drink, then remembering that I wasn't supposed to. This one last night was a new one:

I was at Sewanee, for some alumni function or other. I was at a party, I think at my fraternity house, and a friend of mine was there. This was the daughter of a professor who was the faculty advisor for the sorority that I hung out with at Sewanee. Everyone at the party was drinking, and most were drunk, except me, since I wasn't drinking. My friend asked me to dance with her. I felt a bit out of sorts, but got up to dance, telling her that I didn't normally dance unless I'd been drinking. She offered me a beer. "Have one. Just one. One won't hurt you!" I took it and drank about half of it. It's effects were not only immediate, but potent, since I hadn't had a drink in almost nine months. I tried to speak to a group of people, about an idea that I had, but found it difficult to focus because of the alcohol. "Sorry. I've had half a beer after not drinking for nine months and I'm a little tipsy." Someone who is in the program at DAC with me stood up and said, "And you're going to tell everyone in group on Monday, right?" Then I realized what I'd done. Not only that I would have to confess what I'd done, but that I'd have to start all over again, pick up another white chip at a meeting, etc. I tried to call my sponsor, but couldn't get her on the phone.

I woke up from this dream, my heart beating wildly. Its effects stayed with me for quite a while after waking.

First Step

2008-02-28T15:15:47Z

My schedule at DAC has changed a bit. Instead of the MWF from 6 - 9, I am now scheduled only from 6-7:30. This is part of a restructuring that the program is undergoing. I am not complaining about an hour and a half extra time of my own. Paul, my councelor, had figured that Wednesdays could be used for those who were close to presenting their first steps to work on their first steps. Susan called in yesterday and said she couldn't make it. So it was just Paul and I. We went over my first step.

The main problem I'm having with it, is expressing emotion. Something I've never done very well. Last night, I eventually came to the realization that I minimalize the importance of certain events as a survival mechanism. This has brought to light my feelings about my mother, as in what exactly are they?

I've always discounted the event in my life when I was four years old. My mother and I moved in with my grandparents. (We had been living with my stepfather, but he and my mother separated). My mother went into a residential rehab program, and my grandparents claimed custody of me. I lived with them until I was old enough to move out on my own (after college). My mother was around, but I saw her infrequently. I do remember being excited whenever I knew she was going to be coming over. And every now and then I was allowed to stay the weekend with her (and boyfriend du jour). I've always minimalized my attachment to her, though. I placed my grandmother in the position of "mother" and relegated mom to a sort of "aunt", when I don't think this was really the case.

When I was about 8 years old or so, my mother couldn't be there for my birthday. I was saddened by this. She left me a note on a small piece of paper, which I cherished above all the other gifts I got that year. I kept it:

<img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3110/2298 456164_5a6e58926f.jpg

"/>

I'm trying to paste a copy of it from flickr, but I've been having touble with flickr lately.

Anyway. It's difficult for me to identify my feelings currently, let alone dredge up feelings I never knew I had when I was a child.

Life continues

2008-02-26T15:34:17Z

So this weekend, Bill "went out". He showed up around 10:00 Saturday morning. It was decided that the other residents of David's Den would be given the vote as to whether or not he stays. This is new. We've never been given decision making power before.

Yesterday morning, after devotion and a brief discussion of Bill, we decide that he stays. Hopefully, things will work out. After that, I went to my doctor's appointment with Doctor Harrison, one of the psychiatrists at DAC. My primary purpose in doing this is to get a renewal of my prescription for Zoloft, which everyone keeps telling me I need. Except the doctor. She seems to think I don't need it, but that "it won't do any harm".

I drop off the prescription at the pharmacist. Later, I go to pick it up. This is what happens.

Pharmacist: I'm gonna need you to fill out the application for Zoloft because we're giving you the name brand instead of the generic.
Me: Okay.
Pharmacist: Yeah...we're giving you someone else's supply. Do you have your tax return available?
Me: Uh...no. I have my W-2's, though.
Pharmacist: We're gonna need those, too.

At the DAC pharmacy, they give you a bill, you pay it at the cash register, then you take the receipt back to the pharmacist. I go over to do this, presenting my bill for $4.83 along with a $20 bill.

Cashier: Do you have anything smaller?
Me: No.
Cashier: (sighs) Do you have a debit card?
Me: (pausing to think of what to say) I really don't want to use it.

Cashier looks at me as if I've just spoken Swahili to her. We stand there for a few seconds before I reluctantly reach for my wallet to take out my debit card. I pay for the prescription and return to the pharmacy window.

Pharmacist: Do you have your W-2's?
Me: Yes, they're right here.
Pharmacist: They wouldn't make copies for you?
Me: (a bit confused) who?
Pharmacist: (pointing at cashier window) Them.
Me: I didn't ask.

Eventually, the copies are made and left at the window of the pharmacist, where anyone could just walk up and take my W-2's home with them. I hope nothing bad comes of this.

Life goes on

2008-02-23T17:04:56Z

I guess. At David's Den.

Last night, I come home from DAC, and realize that Bill is not there. "Where is Bill?" I ask. "He went to Grady today," was the reply. Grady. I've never had to go there, but I've heard stories of waiting for hours upon hours at Grady Hospital. God, keep me from injury.

This morning, Bill is still not there. All of his stuff, which he had in storage, is there now, but not him. He arrives around 10:00 this morning, and Pat, our "house man" allows him in. They talk. I ask Bill if he's okay. He shakes his head, no. I suppose he "went out" last night (relapse). I'm assuming I'll hear the full story later today.

And, in other news, one of the cats is dead. There were two rather small cats (I'm guessing just up from kitten status) who lived outside here, near our apartment. Various people in the building would put food out for them. One was black, with a white bib and paws. I call him Midnight Jr. because he reminds me of the cat that was (and still is) at the old place. The Siamese is dead now. I passed him/her on the way out of the complex, lying in the middle of the road. I never gave her/him a name.

Baptist Catholics

2008-02-22T14:56:16Z

The guys in David's Den with me attend Peace Baptist Church. I think this is mainly because a) this is the church that runs the program b) church is required and c) they have no church of their own. I attended for the first 8 weeks of my stay at David's Den. A much different experience than what I'm used to, but interesting nonetheless.

Their pastor has requested that they "fast" for forty days from various different things. They have some sort of schedule that explains what they're fasting from each of these forty days. Today, I think it's food (from 6am to 6pm) and liquids other than water. Sometime in the near future, it's television (which they think is 24 hours, rather than the daylight hours - they need to check).

Oddly, this "fasting" coincides with my giving up of meat for Lent. I usually give up alcohol, but, well, that's already a given at this point. And for the past few years, I never made it through Lent with no alcohol.

Having no knowledge of the liturgical calendar, I find it mildly amusing that they're actually observing Lent - without their actually realizing it. I've started calling their church "Baptist Catholic". (I've told them that I'm not Roman Catholic, but they don't seem to be able to remember that fact and constantly refer to me as such). I also find it interesting that most of their fasting only takes place during the daylight hours. As if we were in Ramadan. Perhaps they're Baptist Catholic Islam.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

2008-02-20T19:50:04Z

Well, I met with my counselor last night at DAC. The program is undergoing structural changes and I'm part of that (or, rather, I guess, simply effected by it). Monday I begin a new schedule: 6pm to 7:30pm, rather than the entire 6 to 9 Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Whatever will I do with that extra hour and a half in my day? I've submitted my second draft of my first step to my counselor, and I've a feeling that I'll be soon presenting it in group. Once I've done that, I will go to "after care" schedule, which will only be Mondays and Fridays. This is potentially good news, but the part I'm not looking forward to is that once I no longer have DAC on Wednesdays, I would like to go back to choir rehearsals, but will probably be required to attend Bible study at Peace Baptist Church. If only I could find a job, I might be able to move out of David's Den. I have a friend who might be looking for a roommate, to cut his costs. Alas, the job search continues...

Lord, help me

2008-02-07T15:43:11Z

Well, I have another interview tomorrow morning. I've been through two telephone interviews and all of the applications process online, and this is finally a face-to-face interview. Today, I'm going to the airport to see if the place is accessible by MARTA. Which I don't think it is. The Delta offices appear to be NEAR, but not AT, the airport. And it doesn't look like any buses go by there. I might have to borrow a friend's car. Hopefully, I can get in touch with her tonight.

My storage continues to be a problem. I managed to borrow the money for January, but now February is due. I moved about half of my stuff out and into a friend's basement, but they seemed a bit taken aback by how much stuff I had. People don't seem to realize that I have enough belongings to fill a two-bedroom apartment. I wasn't a transient up until recently. What do people think? I did manage to find another friend who said I could use his basement for the other half, but he's incredibly hard to get in touch with. I did manage to file my taxes yesterday, so hopefully this will help for February.

More dealings at the Den

2008-02-04T16:19:47Z

Well, this past week, one of my housemates, Carey, announced that he was leaving to go back to Chicago to be with his mother. No problems there, we all wished him well. He was supposed to have left Saturday afternoon. The bus, he said, was due to leave at around 2:00pm.

Saturday evening rolls around and, although Carey has packed all of his belongings, they are still sitting in his room. Carey is not around. Surely, he has not left without his possessions. Nobody knows what's going on. A little after midnight, Pat comes into my room and wakes me up so that I can change the pass code on the lock (because I'm apparently the only one who knows how to do this - I don't know). Carey has not returned and it is now after curfew.

Sunday morning, I leave for church. Arriving at the bus stop (the first bus passes by around 6:15am) I find Carey there. His sponsor was providing the money for the bus ticket. No go, for some reason. Then he was going to move in with his sponsor. Again, no go - something to do with his sponsor's roommate not moving out when he was supposed to or something. Carey spent most of the night at the Waffle House down the street, drinking coffee, he said. He looked horrible. He was waiting for the bus, although it's quite a long walk from where we were standing to the Waffle House. Not sure what the story was there. I told him that everyone was still at home, and he should go and get his stuff, or at least get out of the cold.

I think he finally went to get his stuff yesterday afternoon. I hope he's okay.

New ideas

2008-01-26T17:20:04Z

Yesterday, while going through my belongings, I came across my flag of the State of California. I took it home and tacked it up on the wall, making my room look even more like a college dorm room than it did before. My roommate looked at it.

James: What is that?
Me: A flag.
James: That's not this country's flag.
Me: No, it's California's flag.
James: You're not from California.
Me: Yes, I am. Why do you think I went there for Christmas?
James: Oh. But California is part of this country. It's not a separate country. Why does it have a flag?

Kenny and I then explained to him that each state has its own flag. I used my phone to look up the state flag of Alabama (where James is from) and it sort of rang a bell in his mind. He thought he might have seen it before. We showed him Georgia's flag. The idea that states have their own flags seemed to stun him.

Job Interview

2008-01-22T22:10:39Z

Had my interview today. I think it went okay. It was, as promised, a "group interview": two interviewers and ten potential employees in a meeting room at the hotel. We were asked several questions (all pretty much standard interview questions for retail - read off of a list) and then as our names were called, we were asked to respond to the question. The interviewers then told us to stay put, and left the room to discuss us. When they returned, half of us were allowed to leave and the other half were asked to fill out more paperwork (consent for a drug screening and references). We were each sent on our way with instructions to go to a place that will do our drug screenings - we have to do this within 48 hours. We are supposed to hear back from them by the end of the week.

The beginning of the end

2008-01-17T22:59:58Z

You know AA is going to hell in a handbasket when they have me chair a meeting. The person who was supposed to be chairing was unable to come. They looked at me. "Would you chair?" It wasn't too difficult. I came up with the topic of "hitting bottom", which was in the "Daily Reflections" book. It went pretty well. I'm still alive. At group last night, I discussed my trepidation at job hunting, and how I would address with potential employers the problem of my past job history (or "Why I left jobs because I was drinking"). I think things will go okay. I have an interview with Kohl's on Tuesday. It's only part-time, but we'll see how it goes. They're opening up a new store at the Northlake Mall. Could be a good job.

A day of nothing

2008-01-14T17:59:58Z

We were sent on "job search" today. That is, we were told to go to Goodwill, where Fred, the assistant manager works, in the hopes that something will come of it. I spoke not with Fred, but with Tabitha, who told me to completely re-work my resume (basically, back to what it was before a friend of mine re-worked it). Then I came to the library. I started applying for jobs last week, so I guess today's "job search" activities are really nothing new. I signed up with an online service called "snagajob.com", which hasn't landed me anything yet, but I really know nothing about this service. I put in an application with Roly Poly, but they said (as they took the sign out of the window) that they had just hired someone. "But we'll keep your application on file..." The Harcourt job is coming around again at Randstad. The friend I have at church is supposed to be getting back to me on that one. I sent my resume to Snelling, but haven't heard from them yet. Target is supposedly hiring, and I may go there next. I really don't know how to look for a job very well. I feel like someone who doesn't know their way around the keyboard who's trying to type.

Back from California

2008-01-02T16:06:08Z

Well, I've returned. People, for some reason, thought I wasn't going to come back. I picked up my six-month chip this weekend. I didn't know whether to count six calendar months, or 180 days, so I went with the latter. I went to see Sweeney Todd yesterday. Loved it. Saw an old friend of mine, who was trying to get me a job at the liquor store where he works, but I come to find out that he was laid off that job. Probably for the (my) best. Got my rolling pin out of storage. Have the sudden craving to make some meat pies...

A friend of mine died this past weekend. Just before Christmas, she was diagnosed with uterine cancer, then went into the hospital. Spent two days in hospice before dying on Sunday morning. It was all rather quick. I still don't think I've processed it quite. Mr. Choirmaster was writing a piece that was commissioned for her 75th birthday. He's apparently finished it, and the choir will sing it at her funeral, tomorrow. None of us think that we're going to be able to make it through this service and sing to the best of our ability. I have rehearsal tonight. We'll see how it goes.

Dealing with denial

2007-12-17T15:41:26Z

This morning, I'm trying to cope with the fact that I'm a lying, cheating, deceiving, manipulative thief. I keep hearing and reading that these are things that all addicts have in common. Since I'm an addict, I must have these traits. I just can't see all of them. I'm sure if I talk to someone about it, they can show me how I'm each of these things. Facing it is the hard part.

I also have trouble with the director of the place I'm living in. I fear even thinking about him. Every time I see him, it's a matter of something I've done wrong. Today, my side of the room was a mess. It always is. He wants me to move everything out of there, essentially saying that I have too much stuff. I feel as if I'm being told, "You don't deserve to have things - no one else here does. You shouldn't have a life! You're an addict! Move it out!" Of course, I'm - as always - overreacting. They just want me to be cleaner than I am.

Problems with the universe

2007-12-04T23:38:38Z

Okay, so the guys in the program that I'm living in aren't the brightest bulbs on the tree. Let's just say they're not the most educated of people. Last week, we're riding in a van, coming home from Bible Study. The moon is very impressive: huge, low on the horizon, orange. There's a huge chunk out of the top of it, so it's about 3/4 full. One of the guys says, "Look at the moon!" We all look. Another guy says, "That's not the MOON! The moon doesn't look like that! That's...Saturn." (?!) Another guy says, "Naw...that's not Saturn. That's Mars." (??!!) A small argument then ensues as to whether this thing that we're looking at is Saturn or Mars. Eventually, the argument peters out, unresolved. All I could think was, "If that's Saturn, or Mars, or ANY PLANET in the solar system, and we can see it like that with the naked eye - if you've never prayed before in your life, now would be a good time to start."

My roommate is taking literacy classes. They gave him homework, which I 'helped' with. I tried to steer him in the right direction. Now...why would they give someone who CAN'T READ a poem like "Sympathy" to not only read, but interpret? Granted, the questions were multiple choice, but I still had to steer him toward the right one. I thought "a peaceful protest" was better than "a children's sing-a-long" as a description of the poem.

My job at Samaritan's Purse continues. Today was the last day to deliver individual shoe boxes. We expect to be done with the job sometime between the 8th and the 15th. We'll see.

Salvation and other minor things

2007-11-03T19:13:28Z

In "The King And I", Anna comes upon the King reading the Bible. He tells her that he believes Moses to be a fool, because the Bible says that the world was created in six days, when modern science knows for a fact that it took many centuries for the world to form. Anna responds that "the Bible was not written by men of science, but by men of faith. It was their explanation for the miracle of creation, which is the same miracle whether it took six days or many centuries."

The reconciling of two seemingly opposite ideas can be, I suppose, difficult. Most of the people that I have encountered in my life, when confronted with a myth that seems to be incongruous with science, tended to reject the myth in favor of the scientific belief. Now, for the first time in my life, I am encountering the opposite. The people in this program seem to reject the science in favor of the myth. In Bible study, we learned that the Earth was created, already having "age to it". Just as Adam and Eve were not created as babies, but as fully grown adults, so the Earth was already millions of years old when it was created. I couldn't think about anything else for the rest of the Bible study session.

I am having trouble with the concept of "salvation" as well. It appears that, at some point in people's lives, they discover, like a flash of light, that Jesus is God. (In Christianity, of course.) What about those of us who were raised with this belief? I was baptised at the age of four months and confirmed at the age of twelve years. Were these my moments of "salvation"? Was one of these moments the moment when I became "saved"? I need to investigate this further.

Moving

2007-10-27T18:14:58Z

David's Den is planning to move next week sometime (I think). We're moving just up the road about 5 miles. More remote, but actually might be better transportation-wise, since there are two bus lines that run near the apartment complex.

Mom wants me to come home for Christmas, so I'm going. December 20th through 29th. Lots to prepare for. I'll be staying with my brother this time (no step-father woes). And I'll meet my baby nephew for the first time (yay!).

Supposed to be working on Step One for DAC. Hopefully do that tonight. Becoming bored and disillusioned with the whole recovery thing. I'm out of Zoloft. Maybe I won't become bitchy this time if I stop taking it. We'll have to wait and see.

Of residents and relapses

2007-10-01T14:29:25Z

It never fails. Every time the director of David's Den leaves town, something goes wrong at this place. I was just telling someone yesterday that we had managed to survive the weekend unscathed, and then I get the news yesterday afternoon. One of my housemates did not come home Saturday night. He's been kicked out of the program now. We have no idea where he is. I hope he's doing okay. Another guy, who just moved in last week, left - taking his roommate's CD player with him. I didn't really trust this guy from the point that I met him, but I had decided to give him a chance anyway. Well, I don't have to worry about him now.

I went to church yesterday ( my church) and sang with my choir. Mr. Choirmaster has agreed to let me continue singing with them, even though I can't make it to rehearsals on Wednesday nights at the moment. "Special circumstances", he's deemed it. I remained at the church all afternoon, to go to the Frankly Open meeting there. While I was waiting, one of the priests approached me and asked how I was doing. I gave her my current status report and mentioned that I was looking into a monastic way of life. I may have planted a seed. She suggested that I look into something called (I think) 'spiritual direction'. As far as I can tell, it's kind of like having a spiritual 'sponsor'. Someone you meet with on a monthly basis to discuss where you are spiritually, and the role of God in your life. She said that some of the brothers at the monastery here in Conyers participate in this. I will have to look into it further. She also suggested that I visit an Anglican monastery. Unfortunately, I don't think there are any nearby. My AA sponsor has suggested some monastery in New York. Will have to research this.

This morning, E.J. said that he wanted to go to the library with me. There are two libraries that I currently huant - the main branch in downtown Decatur, and the one on Covington Highway, just up the street from the Den. He got off the bus at the latter, thinking that that was where we were going. Miscommunication on my part, I guess. I continued on, hoping he would follow me, but not really holding out much hope. He just showed up a minute ago, looking over my shoulder. Whew. He's on restriction at the moment, and I didn't want to be responsible for him getting kicked out, too. Today is going okay.

I'm back

2007-09-28T13:25:51Z

I managed to remember my password to this journal. Finally.

Things are chugging along at David's Den. I feel a bit frustrated, though. The word I used in group was "stagnant" and everyone seemed to agree that that was the impression that I give. I'm back on my Zoloft prescription, and I hope the stuff kicks in soon.

For the first eight weeks at David's Den, we work without any pay. Our "pay" goes to pay our service fees. After that, we are put on the "payroll" and our service fees are taken out of our pay and we are given the remainder in the form of a paycheck. I received my first paycheck this morning, which was for $0. I expected this, so it didn't come as a shock. I do need to find a better paying job, though.

Our cat has become rather friendly. Midnight has now taken to climbing into my lap, snuggling and purring. I will feel sorry to leave him/her behind when we move. We're supposedly moving sometime in October, although an exact date has not yet been set. All of us are concerned about the changes in policies, etc. that will accompany the move. The counselors at DAC have scheduled a conference with the staff at David's Den to make certain that they understand what is going on. Perhaps they can come to some agreement. The people at David's Den II all seem to feel that the policies they are subject to are unreasonable.

I am considering a monastic life. I need to figure out many things before I look seriously into this, however. I also need to visit a monastery. I've had this thought for many years now. I think it began in college, but may have begun as early as high school. At this moment, though, I need to be careful that I'm not simply considering this as a means of escaping from the world.

Resident

2007-07-20T15:40:36Z

I am now in a residential program called "David's Den". There is no internet access and no phone, other than my fellow residents' cell phones. I have little contact with the outside world. I cannot leave the facility without a "buddy" in tow. I am going crazy. This is a very rare trip to the library. Eight weeks cannot come soon enough...

Moving Out

2007-07-06T18:35:38Z

This morning, my sponsor came by and we moved most of my stuff from my friend's house into my storage unit. I still have about one box of stuff and a few miscellaneous items left. Hoping my friend will let me leave them there for the time being. Went to the High Noon meeting. Came home. Ate lunch, grabbed some library materials to return, came to library. There is still one book that I have that is overdue. And will continue to be. My friend's children snatched it up, failing to notice it was a library book, and packed it away with the other books. Now I won't be able to check out any library materials until I pay for the thing. This sucks.

I have found temporary lodging. My old drinking buddy's place. The worst of all possible scenarios, but it was the only option. My sponsor is worried. My group tonight will groan. But it's the only thing I could do. Hopefully I won't be there for longer than a week.

Happy Fourth!

2007-07-05T13:42:20Z

Well, I had a happy Independence Day. Not. I continue to try to move out of my friend's house as quickly as possible. I awoke yesterday morning, and M from DAC called and suggested we go to the meeting at Triangle Club, which was followed by a cookout in honor of the Fourth. So I tell him that I'll meet him at the library, since I wanted to get out of the house before friend's son arrives. It's early, but I can waste a good two to three hours at the library, easy. When it's open, that is. Forgetting about the holiday, I wander around Decatur and eventually settle down in the cemetery and read over my relapse inventory for a while.

I wander back to the library where M picks me up, and we head over to the Triangle Club. We get to the meeting about 15 minutes late and the place is packed. We skip the meeting, figuring we can catch the one at 2:00, and wait for the 1:00 cookout. Great cookout, lots of food, free to AA members - or, I suppose, anyone else who happens to wander by. M has three servings of food. I started getting sick just watching him. But we both had a good time. Then we find out that there is no 2:00 meeting. He drops me off at home.

Enter the son. Who reads me the riot act, chewing me up one side and down the other (and not in a good way). He and the other children leave with a bang and I immediately get on the phone and call my sponsor. I have to get out of there as soon as possible, etc. He tells me to hang in there, he'll help me move my stuff out and into my storage space, and that I should go to a meeting. I go to the meeting at the Crisis Center, which is always interesting. I share for the second time in my AA career.

I go home and talk with friend, who basically says not to mind her son. Of course, she's not really defending me against him since her mind is more focused on her husband, but at least I am able to calm down a bit. M comes over and we go to watch the fireworks at the Decatur 4th celebration. Very nice.

I return home and stay up most of the night cleaning my room and packing my stuff. I still have a large pile of stuff to pack, but most of it is done. Hopefully this will placate the son for the time being, until I can find somewhere to move out and into temporarily.

There is a facility called David's Den that I'm hoping to get into. Of course, it being a holiday WEEK, no one is at work for X amount of days. This would be so much easier if the Fourth weren't on a Wednesday.

Continuing evolution

2007-07-03T21:09:58Z

Yesterday was interesting. My friend's son - who I really don't want to speak to - and daughter came by to continue their cleaning of the house, which is very cluttered. He doesn't like the fact that I'm there and believes that I am taking advantage of his mother. He wants me to help them pack things up, but I really don't want to be around him. Not a good mix.

My cousin came to pick me up and take me to lunch. He does not quite understand the way addiction works. I'm not completely sure of it myself, but I'm learning. I told him that one option I *might* have is to move in with an old drinking buddy of mine, but explained that that would probably be a bad idea. I told him my mother asked, "Is he in recovery? Does he drink? If it's there in his house, and you're there, you'll drink it." True enough. My cousin asked, "Why?" Because it's there, I replied. I can't explain it. We went to lunch and he gave me a little money to help me out for a while.

I didn't go home until after DAC. I went straight from getting a haircut to DAC. At DAC I gave my "relapse inventory" - the short form. Whenever someone in the group has a relapse, we are required to stand in front of the group and answer five questions: 1. Our name 2. What events led up to your relapse? 3. What did you tell yourself to make it okay to use again? 4. Did you learn anything from this? 5. What will you do different now?
This was probably the most active group discussion I've been in yet. Everyone seemed very concerned that I relapsed. One person, during the break, told me that he actually looked up to me as an inspiration and thought that I was "so strong". I guess that I was the last person anyone thought would relapse. I had much the same reaction when I picked up a white chip at Sunday night's AA meeting. The guy handing out the chips gave me a rather bewildered look when I stood up to accept it.

When I got home, I didn't go upstairs to my room, but rather slept on the sofa downstairs. I was worried that I'd go up there and find everything of mine gone or something. This morning, after my friend had left, I showered and went upstairs. There were some angry notes taped to the door by her son. I only read part of them. They made my heart sink. I called my sponsor, who told me to call my counselor and to call my rector again. I did both, leaving messages for both. Then I went to a meeting.

Before the meeting I told a couple of people about my situation. One of them offered her sofa for me to crash on for a couple of days, but I declined. I don't really know her that well. Don't feel like foisting myself off on an almost complete stranger.

I haven't been back to the house yet. I went straight from the meeting to the hospital and visited Michael there (and Sandy, who sits with him every day). He seems to be doing a *little* better. I then came straight here to the library. And I plan to go straight from here to the evening meeting at church. Hopefully my sponsor will be there (he usually goes to the Tuesday night meeting there). I just need someone to talk to. I expect to come back to the house and find all of my belongings thrown out. Well - not really. But it wouldn't completely surprise me if it happened.